Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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