So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
