The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
