Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
