are you so shy because you have an std?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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