I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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