booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
