Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
