I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
