I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
