I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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