he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
