just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
