I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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