he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
