so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
