They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
