Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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