A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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