My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
