My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
