but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
