the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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