are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
