I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
