i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
