I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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