I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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