the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
