U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
