She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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