so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need to calm my uterus...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
