if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The air taste purple.
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