you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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