your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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