Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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