i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
