Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
