so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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