As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
