if i can run in heels then i can drive
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
