I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
