a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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