the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
