honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
