just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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