Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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