How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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