Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You've changed since you got that strap on
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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