my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
